"Just keep coming home to yourself, you are the one who you’ve been waiting for”-Byron Katie
(2 hour sleep pre spa day)
I am back, what an unbelievable week and experience I had visiting my sister in Montreal. I went 3000 miles away to visit my sister and her family, thanks to her generous nature and somehow found something that had been missing for longer than I would like to admit. Caught up in the day to day life as a busy mom and stuck in a series of personal plot twists that have been more difficult this year than most, the trip was that much needed rest I was not really aware I was in such need of. The past week there has been more in the news about mental health and the normalization of that, which I think is very important, and there is the truth that more needs to be done on a personal level for everyone's well being and state of mind. For me I felt like I have been stuck in a tunnel, on a train going faster than it should, so fast that I don't have time to make out the images to the sides of me. I can only keep my eyes fixed straight ahead and hope that the train slows down at a station soon. I was so busy waiting for the train to stop, I forgot I was the one driving the train.
(Two hours later...)
About 8 years ago my mother died and well, I can say with certainty that I have never quite been the same again, but I was a youngish, busy mom of three, two with special needs and really I was just getting up each day putting my big girl panties on and going through the motions.
About two months in, I did not want to get out of bed, shower, eat, move etc, but I did. I could not cry, I was numb. My hands were not busy, never a good thing when you are someone who has ADHD, too much time in one's head without a project for me is never a very good thing. I felt very heavy, and lost. I forced myself to take on a project that would be soothing and that was learning to sew (nothing soothing about teaching yourself to sew as I found out but I was committed to seeing it through). About the sametime I was thinking does it even matter if I get out of bed or do any of this? I still managed to drag myself out of bed each day, make sure the kids were ready to go to school, therapy and I would sit there sewing doll clothing day after day.
Sleep was not my friend.
(Trip morning day 3)
Laying in bed, wishing myself to sleep unsuccessfully, I found myself getting out of bed, heading to the kitchen, putting on water for tea and instead of grabbing a mug I went to my china cabinet and took out a cup and saucer. While the water boiled and darkness surrounding me, I set myself a place at the head of the table, looking out into the early morning hours and listening to the sound of my children's light snoring. I sat in the dark until the water boiled. Got up and made tea. I brought the pot to the table and not wanting to wake the house with turning on a light, I instead lit a candle. I sat there, staring out the window, sipping tea, and watching the sunrise. For the first time in what felt like a really long time I felt somewhat at peace. I am a very visual person and I wanted to capture the moment for myself, to hold myself accountable for what became my "Me Moments" and to prove to myself that I could still create a beautiful and calm place to sit and sip and just be. That is when I started taking my morning tea photos. That became my morning routine and I would make sure that I got up before my family each morning after that, repeat my self care routine and photograph it every day following.
(Time Square later day 3)
Fast forward to about a year ago and something changed for me. I got very, very sick with bacterial pneumonia . I was in and out of the hospital for August and due to my illness, I could not for the first time take that me moment. I missed it and it was awful. During this time my husband, began getting up at the hour I normally did and he would be up and moving about when I was used to having time to myself. As I got better it became harder to capture that magic of the moment first thing in the morning and I somehow flipped to being a night owl instead. I still did my morning photos but the time of day was more rushed.
(pretty much sums up the size of the break I really needed)
I again got caught up in the putting on of my big girl panties and just dealing with things as best I could. Still sipping and enjoying the cup but not feeling the quiet calm I had before last August.
(on the plane home)
I tell you that story to tell you this one. Last week I ran away from home and it was the best thing I could have done. I did so with my families blessing and encouragement and I found out more about myself , did things I never imagined I would do and took chances I never would have believed. I guess I got lost to find myself.
(my sister and I day 2)
While I knew the process was happening it wasn't until I got home and looked at the photos I took and posted that I could see the progression of finding that me moment again.
Forgive the narcissistic nature of the photos I am posting today. Somehow last year I lost the thing I created that grounded me, anchored me if you will and I did not realize it was drifting away quite so much.
(seriously this happened!)
I did not actually write or read anything while I was away. I completely exited my comfort zone on more than one occasion and somehow a weekend trip from my hometown of Montreal to New York, that should have been an "Antiquing trip in the Adirondack Mountains" of upstate New York, became something so much more...seriously about as far away from that as one can. I unexpectedly got a tattoo during Americade, a very large Bike Rally, in Lake George, with my sister beside me, she got one and our baby sister in Vancouver got one to match at the same time in Vancouver.
(matching Big, Middle, Little Sister Tattoos, never had one before, always said never would...)
We then drove into New York City and saw a show on Broadway, ate, laughed and had so much fun. Cupcakes were to die for!
I returned to Montreal, spending quality time with each of my nieces and nephews there,we drove to Ontario and visited family I had not seen in years.
(My Aunt's have the most wonderful tea tents! Seriously I am jealous!)
I was surprised to be gifted my grandmother and great grandmother's china teacups and saucers, as well as a few teapots. (Look for them in the photos coming up in the near future.) But most of all I was gifted the opportunity and the ability to find myself again, to laugh, cry and to just really enjoy life spend quality time with my sister, her family and my aunts. I found that I remembered who I was and a little bit about who I am supposed to be.
What else did I learn in New York and Montreal? That self care is important, and so is asking for help. Bigger lesson, sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself...
(My Aunties and my sister)
I have tired to hold on to that trip feeling as best I could, I stayed detached from my computer, reading and mail even after coming home on Tuesday, but I promise that I will be back on again soon with more reviews and more cups of tea. If you think you need help finding yourself, find someone you trust or just tell someone, things will start to get better, and make sure you make yourself a cup of tea or build a routine in around your own "me moment" It is amazing how much and how far that act of kindness to yourself will go.
(Last morning in New York morning tea)
Thank you for taking time to join me today for a cup of tea and a look back at my trip. It is good to be back.
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