Thursday, April 30, 2020

Early Morning Thoughts in The Dark

As I write this I have been up more than and hour, its still black as night and just after 5 am here on the West Coast. I woke from a fitful sleep and decided now would be as good a time as any to get up. Just the cat and I this morning surrounded by birdsong and anticipation of the daily news. 
My sister in London is up, she messaged me about an hour before I got up wondering if I was up, that would have been just about 3 am. Our daily conversations are quick, few sentence statements about the world and the virus that has many of us safe at home.  For those of you who don't know I am in Canada, on the West Coast, my sister is in London England. As of yesterday more than 26,900 people in the UK have died from Covid-19, in Canada, a country so much larger, we are at 2,996.  The numbers are staggering and very much disheartening as much as vastly different. 

I have been taking comfort in being home, safe at home, yet constantly in a state of panic. From one moment to the next, I can feel comfortable and happy and completely at a loss.  The constant state of anxiety and heightened awareness gnaws at the back of my neck and the pit of my stomach. It robs me of the gift of the present and steals from my tomorrows. On the times I do venture out, the anxiety gives way temporary to the task at hand, yet the very act of going out, putting everyone at risk, is unbelievably outwardly normal looking. For a second, being in the car seems normal. Going to the store, despite the lines, feels somewhat routine, yet on the way home the knowledge that things are far from normal and guilt for even the simplest trip grips at me.

I try not to check the news every hour, but it is hard to refrain. I busy myself with crafting and projects I have always wanted to try but never found the time. But distraction is only a temporary relief. I was for the last 6 weeks worried about being at home, worried about the people in my community, my home and family. Now I am worried about going back, out into that same community, back to work, back to the unknown.  I feel like we are at war with an unseen entity, fighting blindly and unmatched in weaponry. I wonder if this feeling will pass, or if this unsettled new way of being is our new normal.
I feel a little like this fairy jar I made, safe and warm inside, looking out at a world in a shroud of darkness, waiting to be let out.

Hoping your feeling safe at home, and that sharing these feelings are more of a time capsule of a glimpse into what it truly felt like to live through the pandemic and survive to come out on the other side of it.
Thank you for allowing me to share and for joining me for these early morning thoughts. I would love to hear from you so please leave me a comment here or email me at


  1. I was feeling that way too but my job started back up this week. As scared as I was to be out working (I'm a field rep in Target and a couple big grocery chains) it actually felt great after the first day, normal. Keeping busy at work helps my anxiety a ton. I'm glad now. I was really weary of being at home too after 5 weeks off. Cute jar! Love it!